Sunday, November 9, 2008

the 2008 Candy Hierarchy:

(caramel, chewy, oh my classy)
Caramellos --- Milky Way --- Snickers --- Rolos* --- Twix

(not surprisingly, exclusively chocolate-based)
Hershey's Kissables --- Peanut M&M's --- Regular M&Ms --- Junior Mints --- Reese's Peanut Butter Cups --- Three Musketeers --- regular old Hershey Bars -- Reggie Jackson Bar

(also exclusively chocolate, after fending off a few intruders)
Kit-Kat --- Nestle Crunch --- Mounds --- Tootsie Rolls --- Whoppers** --- Dark Chocolate Hershey Bars --- Fair Trade Chocolate --- Butterfinger --- Pay Day --- Baby Ruth

(also referred to as the chewy range or, in some circles, the Upper Chewy or Upper Devonian)
Milk Duds --- Benzedrine -- Jolly Ranchers (if a good flavor) --- 100 Grand Bar
Almond Joy --- Candy Corn*** --- Starburst

(the Lower Chewy and Gummy-Based, also the Middle Crunchy Tart Layer)
Dots --- Lollipops --- Nerds --- Runts --- Trail Mix ---Swedish Fish --- Mary Janes --- Gummy Bears straight up --- White Bread --- Licorice -- Anything from Brach's**** --- Hard Candy --- Spree --- Bubble Gum --- Including the Chiclets (but not the erasers) --- Black Jacks --- LemonHeads --- LaffyTaffy --- Good N' Plenty --- Jolly Ranchers (if a bad flavor)***** --- Bottle Caps --- Smarties --- "those odd marshmallow circus peanut things" -- gum from baseball cards

Tier so low it does not register on our equipment
Healthy Fruit --- Pencils --- Lapel Pins --- Extra Strength Tylenol --- "anonymous brown globs that come in black and orange wrappers" --- Now'n'Laters --- Hugs (actual physical hugs) --- Whole Wheat anything

*These may be rolled to a friend.

** Whoppers blow.

*** Still no unanimous decision on the placement of Candy Corn, which as of 2006 remained unclassified, but as of 2007 had been tentatively placed in the Upper Chewy/Upper Devonian. 2008: no sighting.

**** Unless its something caramel, pronounced "caramel."

*****Remains an outlier, since it is in no way "chewy." Further studies have not resolved this inconsistency.

Via: Scienceblogs

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